JOURNEYS

So, at the age of 33, my special place in the universe had diminished, I am an addict/alcoholic and a single mother to a child that is not whole.  Not a journey that I had picked out for myself to take.  But, somewhere in all of this, there was the glimmer of light. I did visit my special place in the universe a few more times but it was never the same.  I was always rudely awakened by a new reality that I somehow had to find my place in.

My son was born with  Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and along with that was Failure to Thrive, VSD which is a heart murmur and a multitude of secondary disabilities.  I was overwhelmed and depressed with this heavy load I was carrying.

When Isaac was 6 weeks old, I decided to visit that special place again.  Only this time, upon awakening, my soul had changed. There was no headache, no hangover, no vomiting, no sickness of any kind.  I was clear headed and very much aware of my situation and surroundings.  It had been approximately 20 years since I felt this way.  Something had changed and it was inside of me.

  
The next move I made was to enroll in drug/alcohol testing. You are probably wondering why I enrolled myself in drug/alcohol testing. Well, remember the Navy?  I had learned the discipline part and I knew that I could never do this thing without  some authority monitoring me. I went 3 days a week.  I started to attend AA/NA/CA meetings.  I went 3 times a day.  I applied for welfare and moved into an apartment close to the meetings.  I became actively involved with the meetings and Isaac accompanied me to every one.  I reached out to people and made friends.  What this all boils down to is this:  I had to learn a new reality.  I had to learn how to live in it. My special place in the universe was right here in front of me and all I had to do was open my eyes, my mind and my heart and let it come into me.  I had finally seen the light.

© 2003 Traci