Darkness for me was euphoria.  And this is what I experienced from injecting Cocaine.  I was everywhere.....but nowhere. I was somebody........but nobody.  I was beautiful...........but ugly.  Oh, what cocaine does to the mind.  I had discovered my own special place in the universe and it was here that I remained for several years.

Years went by as my descent into this place grew harder and harder to maintain.  I had become a dealer and started carrying a gun with me everywhere I went.  Work was becoming a burden and it was taking more and more effort just to go there.  I ended up taking a leave of absence from the job and telling them I was going into the military.  The Navy to be precise.   I thought that by doing this, I would learn discipline.  Well, it did teach me discipline but my journey was to change again when I was discharged for an eating disorder and stress fractures in my knees. Once again, I found myself living in my own special place in the universe with Cocaine and alcohol.  I drifted from here to there and connected with people that did the same things as I did. Eventually, I ended up homeless. One night, from what I have been told, I had been passed out in an alley.  A man found me and took me to his apartment and nursed me back to health.  He was a chronic alcoholic and I was an addict/alcoholic so we decided to stay together.  He taught me how to panhandle and live on the streets. After 2 years of this, I became very ill.  I found a free clinic and checked myself in.  I was approximately 4 months pregnant, undernourished and dehydrated. Oh my god! How could this be happening?  I ran out of the clinic and finally made a call to my mother.

 
My journey had changed yet again and I went home.  I tried to stay clean and sober but just couldn't do it.  I was drinking approximately a quart of whiskey a day which kept me from thinking about the situation that I was in.  My special place in the universe had ceased to exist.  On January 31st, 1990, I gave birth to a baby boy whom I named Isaac.  Little did I know, I was about to begin yet another journey in this thing called life.  

© 2003 Traci