JOURNAL

 

 

The Holidays have come and gone and it's time to start a new year.  I must apologize for being so lax in getting in here to write but I've been very busy, as usual and my heart really hasn't been into writing lately.  Once again, so many things have been going on here that I was distracted.  I will briefly try and explain things but will not go into much detail as most of what I will be typing is still unclear and somewhat painful.

Thanksgiving was just okay this year.  My Aunt J went and spent that time with her daughter in Virginia.  One of my brothers couldn't come due to work and then my other Aunt fell in my driveway the night before and was taken to the emergency room.  She broke her hip in 3 places and they did surgery on her on Thanksgiving Day.  This was year #5 for my Annual Feast and I had hoped for another awesome turnout but it just didn't happen.  My cousin, who lives up in the Northern part of the state, 30 miles from the Oregon border, came and had it not been for him and his companion, I wouldn't of had a good time.  For cousins, we are fairly tight and talk quite frequently.  He is funny and made the whole day a fun filled time.  I felt bad for my Aunt having the surgery and also the other one that wasn't here but things happen and it just seemed as though this was the year for them to all happen at once.  My boyfriend came this year and that was a pleasant part of the holiday but things turned after that with him as well.  After this holiday was over, I made the decision that I won't be doing this anymore.  I've tried to bring my family together for the last 5 years and for 5 years it has worked.  I think I will let someone else take over as I would like to step back and bow out leaving on a good note.  I've done what I could and feel that I can do no more.

After my Aunt's surgery, she couldn't go home as there was no one there to help her so I offered to have her stay here.  My house is big and it was what I wanted to do.  She stayed a couple of weeks and in looking back on it, I guess it was a mistake.  I have never had the coping abilities to care for elderly people and I'm really not so sure that that had anything to do with it but things didn't go well.  Her granddaughter came to care for her during the day and so did my mom but the pressure and stress was unbelievable.  I was working during the days and had to as this is our busiest time of year and as the days went on, it just seemed to get worse.  Anyway, I ended up telling my aunt and my mom to leave.  The granddaughter had already went back home but she wasn't the problem to start with.  I've tried all my clean and sober life to help family, friends and whomever as it is my way of giving back what was so freely given to me but this just blew up in my face.  So, again, I felt that I had done all that I could and could do no more.

As Christmas neared, I was hesitant to tell my boyfriend all that had happened.  So, I decided to wait until he was here and tell him face to face.  I did and I thought he heard me but I'm not so sure anymore.  We ended up arguing while he was here and that made things worse.  He said he understood what I was going through but I saw no evidence of that.  We also tried to talk about other problems and issues that have been plaguing the relationship and that turned into another argument.  Christmas Day was okay as we exchanged gifts and it was a pleasant day all around.  We did not spend it with my mother but my son was here to open his gifts and he was delighted.  For me, that's what this is all about anyway........my son.

It is now a New Year and I can only hope that things get better.  I don't know what will happen with my family as the damage that's been done is severe.  And the boyfriend, well, he says he wants to have a long talk, of which I am all for.  I can only hope that it doesn't turn into another argument as I don't know if I can take that. 

My son, the light of my life, has given me much joy during these holidays.  He is so innocent and non-judgmental that I just love being around him.  He was asked yesterday if he could go and spend New Years with some friends and I thought it was a wonderful idea.  He called me this morning and told me he had a great time and that has made my whole day. 

Yesterday, I received this little poem from a good friend of mine.  It was a recipe about how to make a happy new year.  It was filled with ingredients like faith, patience, hope and courage.  You took the ingredients and baked them, one day at a time, and then served them with unselfishness and enthusiasm.  I related so much to this poem that I sent it out to a few family members and friends.  I hope that I can follow that poem more days than not in this new year.

Life is funny sometimes.  Through all the ups and downs that I've had recently and they have been doosies, I am still standing with both feet on the ground.  It's almost like I've made my stance and for once, I am not backing down.  I am one of those people that you can run over me with a truck and then put it into reverse and then do it again.  I've been that way for as long as I can remember and starting now, I am not going to let that happen anymore.  I have feelings too.  It's time that I enforced that.  Not only in regards to others, but in regards to myself as well.

To all of you out there that read my Journal, I wish you the best in 2005.  Each year we are blessed with new and different things and my hope for everyone is that we all remember to be grateful for what we have.  I will look forward to hearing from you in this brand new year.

Traci

© 2005 Traci