Ending_To_Many_Years_Of

I think it should be noted that we had Lana home for another 9 months after the last story. We tried everything to keep her at home. This was where it was all going to go eventually though. We really did not want to think about, believe it, or admit it. We just needed time to understand and realize it.

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The ending to many years of struggles with Lana at home and a transition to a new life in a group home happened last week on Thursday. I have had many emotional struggles with actually talking about this and am having a difficult time letting go mentally ever since. No matter what, she is my child, my baby. Your children are supposed to grow up, learn, and be safe at home, with their parents, and their siblings. That is what we all know and believe. That is true for all children............but not for some.

Our life the past two years has been a daily roller coaster of social services, police, emergency room, school, county and hospital interventions. She was admitted 9 times in 16 months to psychiatric hospitals in our area. Each time she would come home, do well for a while and then descend into weeks of psychotic behaviors, often self harming or harming family members. I've often thought living with Lana was what it must be like living with an abusive spouse. You love them, you don't want to leave them, they are your world, but you just can't live like that forever. It's not a life most people could tolerate or understand and you hang on as long as you can, but there does come a time when you know you can't help them anymore, and they don't even understand how much they hurt everyone around them.

Lana is somewhat of an enigma in that she is sweet, loving, caring, darling when she's not yelling, screaming, throwing, slamming, crying or swearing. Yes, the darling Lana, cusses like a dock worker when she's manic and out of control. Who would ever know meeting her? She is cute, adorable, beautiful, fine white flawless skin with rosy pink cheeks and silky brown curly hair. She has the voice of an angelic little muppet, that is when she's not screaming at you and calling you a bi***, or other lovely gritty terms that we were taught never to say.

When we brought Lana into our lives, everything was hopeful, we knew we could help her, fix her, teach her, love her through it all. We believed we could erase the years of abuse and neglect with our determination and will, and resources, we could give her everything and that would make it all better. That was when I knew she was born of an alcoholic mother and had lived 9 years institutionalized away from anyone by herself, alone...........and I thought nothing of it, "oh poo, that's no big deal we can overcome that........". That was before I knew anything about mental retardation, and mental illnesses, attachment disorders, and fetal alcohol syndrome. Perhaps if I knew, I wouldn't have thought with a mothers detachment from reality when it comes to her children, that everything could be better. Everything would be better just because I loved her.

Oh well for "love conquers all", it does in novels and love stories and tear jerker movies, but it doesn't for people who have been abused, neglected and brain damaged from the ravages of alcohol and drugs. And the children who never had a chance or a choice in the matter before they were even born.

At least for us and for Lana, we know she is in the best place we could give her. I would not let go of her until I knew it would be a place that would be good to her, care for her, nurture her. Surprisingly those places do exist. She is in a very small group home, only 6 clients, there are 4 staff members there 24 hours a day. She has her own room with all her own things from home, her own TV and her own stereo. It is bright and sunny and she has a garden with flowers outside her window. If I had to let go of my baby, I wouldn't let her go unless I knew she would be as happy as she can be.

For Lana she only lives in the moment anyway, as long as she is getting attention, and being attended to, and everything is good and not stressful she is OK. I think she misses us, but in a lot of ways she really doesn't. She is somewhat oblivious most of the time. Love and loyalty, respect and responsibility are most of the time out of her mental reach, she has her moments but they are rare.

We love her, and we miss her, and I can't imagine not being able to hug her and kiss her every night after she is asleep and the waking monster is at slumber.

Right now and for the first month we cannot see her and she cannot see us. Life is actually taking on an amazing transformation here, it is quiet, peaceful and almost normal.

Lana has been a great teacher to me and to my husband. Through her we learned we had an enormous reserve of patience, that we could change our behavior, our habits. Things we never would have changed until the day we died, had it not been for her. Her demands were so great on us she made us grow to be able to appease her, to nurture her, to teach her.

She opened up to me an awareness of what can happen to a persons brain and life if it is damaged through alcohol and neglect.

Hopefully now I will be able to use what I have learned, and pass on what I know, and help others understand what I have been taught by her.

Carol Echternach
Executive Director
CALFAS
California Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Organization
cechternach@calfas.org
http://www.calfas.org/
Certified CDC/Arc FASD Trainer