JOURNAL

 

In the late 80's, my addiction and alcoholism had taken me to living in homeless shelters and the streets.  At that time, I wandered mostly in Redding, CA.  I had tried to stay with my brother and his wife and kids but it just didn't work out.  Apparently, I had managed to get something to drink one day and ended up in an ally.  I don't remember any of this but Emanuel does.  I was passed out near a dumpster when Emanuel found me.  He picked me up and carried me back to his place where he says I slept for 5 days.  After waking up and talking about my situation, we decided that we would stay together.  He knew how to survive in the streets.  Something that I didn't know.  He was also an alcoholic and a disabled Vietnam Veteran. 

Emanuel (his birth name but he goes by Lee) became my friend, my partner, my companion and in later days, my lover.  He taught me how to survive in the streets by panhandling for wine and cigarettes.  We would dumpster dive for food at the local fast food restaurants.  He taught me how to be a survivor and it worked for us. 

After doing this for about 2 1/2 years, we ended up in Eureka, CA.  It was cold there and it was hard to find food and shelter.  I had become very ill.  We managed to find a free clinic and I went in to see if they could tell me what was wrong with me.  After getting an examination, I was told that I was approximately 4 months pregnant.  I wanted to die.

I left Lee and went to live with my mom.  I had our son and Lee saw him once when he was still at the hospital.  After that, Lee and I went our separate ways. 

Through the years, we have talked only briefly.  I have known his whereabouts but have only communicated when my son mentioned something about his dad.  We sent pictures to him and he also returned pictures of himself, his significant other, Linda and their 2 daughters, Linda and Audrey.  In this past year, this hasn't been enough for Isaac.  He wanted to talk to his dad.  He wanted to meet his sisters.  I would let him call and they would speak on the telephone but it just wasn't enough.  Isaac asked me question after question and I didn't have the answers.  I tried to appease him but it was obvious that Isaac wasn't going to let this go. 

I knew that I was taking a trip North and it occurred to me to call Lee and ask if they would be willing to meet with us in a local park.  They agreed.  I couldn't believe it.  Isaac was finally going to meet his dad.  He would get to see him, touch him, feel him and know that he was real.  I didn't let Isaac know any of this as his level of excitement is so high that he wouldn't have been able to contain himself.  Instead, I told him we were going to the local park so he could play.

Upon arriving at the park, we got out and started across the grass to the tables.  After seeing Lee and Linda, I stopped Isaac.  I cupped my son's face in my hands and looked him in the eyes and asked that he listen for just a minute to what I was going to say.  He said, *Hurry up, mom.  I want to play.*  I put my arm around him and pointed to a man with a yellow t-shirt on and said, *See that man with the yellow t-shirt on?* and he nodded.  I said, *That is your dad.*  Isaac took off running towards Lee and Linda and threw his arms around him.  All I heard after that was *Daddy, Daddy, Daddy*.  It was if we were the only people in the park and you could hear his little voice ring out for miles.  Isaac would finally be at peace knowing that he really did have a dad and that he was real.  I will treasure this moment for the rest of my days. 

We stayed in the park for 3 hours visiting.  Isaac played with the girls and spent time talking with Lee.  I took lots of pictures but only a few turned out well enough to keep.  In viewing the pictures, it is uncanny the resemblances between Isaac and Lee.  The eyebrows, eyes, and square jaw are but a few.  

There were many apprehensions on both sides before this meeting took place.  No one really knew how it would go.  It has been 13 years since I last saw Lee.  We had gone through so much back then and we have been through so much since then.  He is still the quiet, soft spoken, gentle man that I remember from years ago.  But, I did notice 1 big change...........he doesn't drink anymore.  This was the first time that we had ever had a conversation where both of us were clear headed.  It felt good. 

In a private moment between us, I mentioned that a part of my staying clean and sober was to make amends to people that I had harmed or caused harm to in the past.  As I sat across the table from him, it didn't seem like I should make an amends.  What I did do was thank him for saving my life all those years ago.  He sat quietly and smiled.  The silence and the smile said more than a thousand words.   

As I sit and type this, I feel great contentment.  So much was accomplished in those 3 hours.  It was as if time stood still. 

I am hoping that this is only the beginning of a new relationship for all of us.  People can change and the key here is that some of us with sordid pasts, do change.  Emanuel and I are proof of that.  Both of us chronic in our diseases but yet capable of change.  It is a miraculous thing and probably nothing short of a miracle.

To view a few pictures taken on this special day in the park, please click here.

© 2004 Traci