JOURNAL

 

In my last journal entry dated Sept, 25th, I wrote:  "What I am ready for is change.  I have always been a seeker and I guess I am on a mission.  I don't know exactly what the mission is at this point but as always, it will prove to be interesting."  All I have to say to this is, better be careful what you seek in life...you may just get it and more.

One of the things that happened was my computer went down.  When that happened, I transferred some of my information to Isaac's computer and that kept me going but barely.  I wanted to get mine fixed but it just didn't seem like it was all that pressing.  I had so many other things that required my attention that the computer was really at the bottom of my list.  In the past, I have been lost without my computer so this was not a normal reaction for me.

Another thing was that Isaac informed me that he wanted to move in with his Grandma.  At first, I didn't pay too much attention to it.  But, he kept on with it and so finally I went to my mom and spoke to her about it.  After a few days, she said she wanted to let him do this.  I had many concerns here but I was willing to give it a try.  Now, this is not something I accepted very easily but what was and still is most important to to me is my sons happiness.  He has been with her for awhile now and I can see the improvements.  He appears focused, attentive and content.  I am pleased and relieved that he is doing so well. 

What happened next is rather difficult to put into words.  For most of my clean and sober life, many people have told me that I have been stressed. I have always refuted that as I really didn't know another way to be. I run a small business and have given my all to my son and my work.  I realized that after my son was with Grandma, I started to relax.  I would catch myself sitting through an entire football game and things like that.  It was my awareness of this that made me realize that I truly had been stressed and I was finally letting go of that.  This experience has been very different for me but extremely enjoyable at the same time.

During all of this, I had made plans to fly to Riverside to attend the FASTrack Conference.  I was able to reconnect with people that I had already known through my dealings with FAS and also meet new people that I had only communicated with via the internet.  It was a wonderful trip and I'm so glad that I was able to go. 

And if all of this wasn't enough, I had also made contact with a man from my past.  He touched my heart 30 + years ago and it would appear that he has done that again now.  We talk everyday on the phone and I also make trips to see him whenever time allows.  Through him, I have managed to let myself relax even more.  I look forward to seeing him and can only hope that our relationship continues.   

And throughout all of the above mentioned happenings, I was still trying to keep up with *G*.  Periodically, I would hear from *J* and according to her, things just kept getting worse.  *G* has been hospitalized twice for internal problems but both times was released to go back to the drinking.  He is closer to his bottom now and it is only a matter of time whether he will make it or not.  2 days ago, he called me and again asked me to help him.  This time, I told him no.  It was a painful thing to do but I knew it had to be done.  In his slurred words, he said that his family had said they didn't want any more to do with him until he got clean and sober.  *J* confirmed this when I spoke to her after his call and I was happy to hear that she had finally put her foot down with him.  This whole ordeal has devastated her.  My thoughts continue to go out to her and her family with the hope that they have the strength and courage to get to the end of this.

All in all, these last few months have been interesting as well as exciting.  In looking back on these events, I can see now that they happened almost all at once.  At the time, I didn't really comprehend what was going on but instead of resisting the changes, I decided to go with the flow.  In many ways, I feel like I am beginning a new journey and I eagerly await the next chapter.

© 2004 Traci