JOURNAL

 

Most people don't like change.  I guess I am not most people.  For the most part, I welcome change but I can't say the same for my son. 

Isaac has to follow a strict routine or else he is confused, frustrated and the end result is usually anger.  He knows when it's pill time.  He knows when it's shower time.  He knows when it's time to eat.  Without his routine, he is lost. 

I have spent many years developing a workable schedule for him to follow and then many more years trying to engrain it into his mind.  So far, so good.  But if one things goes awry, then we have chaos on our hands. 

To teach my son a routine, it's REPEAT, REPEAT, AND REPEAT some more.  Such as hanging up his clothes.  I've been working on that one for over a year now and he still doesn't do it.  I'm beginning to know that the older he gets, the harder it is to teach him. 

Now, what about change for us?  The parents and caregivers.  Because our kids live by such a scheduled itinerary, that doesn't leave us with many things we can change.  I sometimes like to change the furniture around in my home.  My son is ambulatory so he shouldn't have any problems with it.  But when I go to do it, he doesn't want any of it to be changed.  He doesn't mind it after it's done, it's the actual changing of it that he doesn't like. 

I told him recently that we might move.  He got all excited but when and if the time comes, he will probably get very upset and frustrated.  Change just doesn't come easy for my son. 

As for myself, that's another story.  When I was drinking and using, I could of cared less about change.  As a matter of fact, I had pretty much decided that I would die out there as a *Jane Doe*.  But, in order to go through the recovery process, I had to change.   I couldn't just change a few things and keep the rest.  I had to change everything.  The hardest thing was to change my way of thinking.  I had been in several recovery treatment centers and I knew that I had to do these things but to really do them was something else.

I tried to only change a few things and still remain clean and sober.  It didn't work.  I did that for 8 years until I finally realized the importance of the statement *you must change everything*.       

And so I did.  I made massive changes.  And, just like they told me, I started to understand more of what was happening to me and I also started to work the recovery process.   As you know, it all paid off.  I have been clean and sober for over 13 years. 

So change was thrust upon me and I had to comply if I wanted my sanity.  I finally learned to accept it and now I welcome it.  It is a good thing.  I only wish my son could adapt more.  I wish alot of things regarding my son but I am realistic.  Most of them will never happen.  I guess you could call what I do, Keeping the Faith.  It's like my saying, Always Have Hope.   A saying that I have said through out my clean and sober years and periodically in this site.

Another good thing about change is that I get to learn from it.  In some cases, I have changed things only to find out that I had made a mistake.  With the mistakes, comes learning.  Have you ever run into those people that think they know it all?  I have.  I talk to them on a daily basis at my job.  I don't care for them much and therefore would not like to become one of them.  So, I make changes, some of which are mistakes.  But in doing so, I am gaining knowledge of what works and what doesn't.  It is also a reminder that I don't know it all.

Many of you have asked about the friend that I wrote about in the Journal entry When The Alcoholic Reaches Out.  I don't really have much of an update except that here is another example of massive changes that must occur.  He went to detox for 5 days and was released today.  He was suppose to go directly into a treatment center but there are no spaces available at this time.  He was to go into a 30 day residential center but now there is talk that he might do a 2 week out patient.  My personal opinion on this is that no change will happen unless he goes into residential treatment.  He has been drinking for too long.  Many years.  I tried these kinds of out patient centers and they weren't enough.  For someone that drank for as many years as I did, residential treatment was the only answer.  I also believe that for change to happen, there must be a desire for it.  Even if it is only a slight desire.

Just as my son doesn't like the actual process of change, the alcoholic needs to be in a restricted and governed environment for change to take effect.  I will keep you updated on his situation as I find out more.

We are all creatures of habit.  Since my rebirth, I have welcomed change and I hope to continue to do so.  I will continue to Keep the Faith and Have Hope in my son and his progress with change.  There are so many people that miss out on alot of life because they can't or won't make changes.  They fear making mistakes.  They fear the unknown.  I am not one of them. 

 
© 2004 Traci