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JOURNAL
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| ALCOHOLISM |
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JOURNAL
ALCOHOLISM |
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I have been addicted to Cocaine and Alcohol
and of the 2, alcohol was by far the worst to quit. I found alcohol when
I was young and it did for me all the things that I could not even imagine
doing. I became the person I always thought I wanted to be. It
gave me courage.
In the early years, I drank with friends on
weekends. But, as time went on, it became a daily thing with me. We had
jokes about it being past noon, time for a drink. Pretty soon, it was wake
up and have a cocktail. A little of the hair of the dog that bit you the
night before. I loved the burning sensation on my throat when I swallowed
it. It made me warm inside. I loved everything about drinking. But,
one of the best parts was I could get up and go a block to the liquor store
when I ran out. That was so easy.
Once this cunning, baffling and all powerful
liquid got a hold of me, it had me tight and wouldn't let go. There is an
invisible line that most people cross when becoming an alcoholic. I don't
know when I crossed that line. Maybe I didn't. Maybe I was born into it.
I am one of those people that believe that alcoholism is hereditary. I come
from a long line of alcoholics on my fathers side of the family. I can't ever
remember taking a drink to be social. From the first time I tasted
alcohol, I drank it for the feeling it gave me. I was like a sponge.....all
I ever wanted was more.
I feel that I was a chronic alcoholic. In
the later years, I drank anything that would give me that feeling. Mostly,
rot-gut wine because I had to panhandle to get it. I stayed intoxicated
for weeks and months at a time. My body was saturated with alcohol and it
reeked out of every pore. Plainly, I was disgusting.
What I learned in the first couple of years
of sobriety is that I have a disease. I am not disgusting. Only
when consumed with alcohol do I become disgusting. I learned that most alcoholics
have alot of potential. It's the alcohol that made me a homeless and
faceless person. Once I realized that I had a disease, I could see myself
and my actions and behaviors more clearly. I became involved with AA and
went to meetings all the time. I worked the 12 steps that are suggested in
the Big Book. In doing this, I was given a new outlook on living. I learned
that there is a big world out there and I can be a part of it if I participate
in my own recovery and my own life. I made a conscious choice to live. Something
I hadn't been able to do in a very long time.
I write about this topic now because this deadly
disease has grabbed a hold of yet another person I know. My friend has been
drinking for years. He has maintained his home and job. Just recently, his
life started to spiral out of control. He is in denial of what is happening
and therefore, there is nothing anyone can do to help him. Make no mistake,
this disease has no concern for what your name is, what you look like, what
your beliefs are or where you come from. Once it takes control of your mind
and body, no amount of will power will stop it. It will talk to you day
and night and block all other communication. Some of his family members think
that he can stop of his own free will. My experience tells me that he can't.
He has lost the power of choice. When at this point, there are 3 things that
can happen: institutions, death, or life. It may take years for any of
these 3 things to happen or it could happen tomorrow. Whatever the outcome
to be, I send my thoughts to my friend in the hopes that he too will be one
of the survivors of this tragic disease.
Alcohol is poison to me and my body.
I cannot have it in any way, shape or form. Complete abstinence is what
is required of me if I want to stay healthy and alive. I have managed to
do that for almost 13 years now and have not regretted one day of my sober
life. I have my problems and some are worse than others but in the long
run, I am happy. I am aware of everything that goes on around me and that
in itself is a miracle. © 2003 Traci |