JOURNAL

 

After contemplating this issue for 3 months, I have decided to write a page for Harry.  Harry passed on January 26, 2004 and he was my father. 

This entry will probably be scattered as my thoughts are not quite clear when it comes to writing about him.  He was my father and yet I hardly knew him.  I've been told that I have many of his characteristics and mannerisms.  Sometimes, I think that is a good thing and then there are times when I think it's the worse thing in the world. 

My father was a man of many talents.  He was a cowboy, a logger, a real estate broker, a navy man, a minister and probably other things that I'm not aware of.  He was also an alcoholic.

When I was growing up, he wasn't around much.  He and my mom divorced when I was 9.  I remember sitting there crying my eyes out over the fact that he wouldn't be coming back.  That was 38 years ago and I still haven't figured out my reaction to that.  I may never figure it out.  I think back then I really looked up to him and I admired his tough attitude and demeanor.  He had a line of *bullshit* that wouldn't quit.  He was loved by only a few, liked by some and disliked by most.

As I grew up, I saw first hand the drinking that he did.  There were times that I even drank with him.  But there was this wall that was between us.  It didn't matter how drunk we got, the wall was there and it never came down.

I think Harry was the happiest when he was at sea.  He was in the Navy and served in the Korean War.  After the war, he stayed in the service as a Merchant Marine.  He lived life on the edge and he liked it that way.  He also drank that way.

I believe that alcoholism is hereditary.  His parents both died of alcoholism and I think his sister has even traced this back further than that.  He was also injured in 2 major accidents that almost took his life.  It was then that he developed an addiction to pain medications.  But, I feel that the alcohol was the first addiction and if he could of had anything, it would have been a drink.

Harry was not someone that you got close to.  He didn't show or reveal his feelings to people.  He projected this happy kind of attitude towards others and for a long time I believed that he was happy.  It was many years later that I discovered that his happy type attitude was really the wall that had been there for years.

About 10 years ago, he developed Parkinson's.  It was awful to think of this strong, tough man having Parkinson's but he did.  His health deteriorated fast.  My brother tried to help him for a few years but the burden was just too much and he finally was moved into a rest home where he would spend his final days. 

Harry.  My father.  The man with many vocations.  The man who couldn't share his feelings or tell his wife and kids how he really felt about them.  The alcoholic.  It all seems so bad.  But, as with all other aspects of my life, through the darkness comes the glimmer of light.  So far, most of what I have said here is negative.  There was a positive side to Harry and that's where the glimmer of light comes in.  It is through very tough times that we reach out for the light and through my fathers death, I can see more clearly the gifts that I inherited from him.

I inherited my fathers zest for life.  I inherited his way for living life on the edge.  I also inherited his alcoholism.  But without all of that, I wouldn't be the person that I am today.  My father gave me more than people will ever realize.  Partly because of my father, I have had the opportunity to help many addicts/alcoholics.  Partly because of my father, I have lived my life fuller than most people.  Partly because of my father, I am willing to take risks that most people wouldn't take.  My father gave me strength and courage to live life to the fullest.  Even if it consisted of making a zillion mistakes along the way.  My father, even though he never realized it, helped to mold me into the strong person that I am today. 

I think the most of us come from dysfunctional families and I sure know that I did but what I have come to know is that all the dysfunction can make you a better person.  It is all in what you do with it.  Dealing with it is a process but it is a process worth taking. 

So, I make this page for Harry.  My father.  The man with many faces but also the man that had a strong influence on who I was to become. 

Thank you, dad, for all the good things that you gave me.  I know now that they were just wrapped in bad packages. It took many journeys to unwrap them but it was worth it.  And, I couldn't have done it without you.

 

© 2004 Traci